Not Just Eating Bon-Bons: Using Self-Care as a Means, Not an End
Whenever I fill out a form that asks my occupation, I write in unemployed. Every time, I want to use some title that encompasses all the things I do: parenting, volunteering, writing, general checking in on people to make sure they’re ok. But our society doesn’t have a word for that. It also doesn’t have a ton of respect for those jobs. Obviously I am biased, but I wish we would discuss the labor it takes to be vigilant for needs that aren’t getting met and the motivation it takes to step in and meet them.
One of my favorite authors is Terry Pratchett. He writes these humorous fantasy novels and a few of the books follow various witches as they go about their work. In his world, witches are some combinations of midwives, nurses, teachers, and those amazing old ladies who keep the young people in line. But mostly, they are the people who meet whatever needs they see, no matter how small or unpleasant. I’ve never felt so seen.
At the same time I do all this work that goes under the radar of society, the way I fill my bucket back up is very noticed. Every evening I go out with a friend involves my daughters lamenting why their mother doesn’t love them enough to stay home. Every meal bought out brings with it our cultural warnings about obesity (plus our family has to visit a nutritionist biannually who describes our breakfast choices as “starchy”. I will probably pull my hair out next time.) Even when I do the smallest amount of self-care, eating lunch, the dogs sit next to me looking sad that they aren’t getting morsels of my food.
The constant drumbeat from inside and outside my head is that I am taking too much and not doing enough. How can I make sure I’m not taking this self-care thing too far?
The answer lies in how we view self-care. It is meant to be a tool, not a life goal; we pursue health so that we are capable of meeting our true goals. In some cases, those goals won’t be other-centered. Maybe you want to learn to program or speak a new language or create a garden or invent something. Like building community, those are amazing achievements – and self-care will help you get there.
So…do you have other goals? Are there things you’re going after? If so, then trust yourself. You will not over-care for your needs. In fact, the moment your body, mind and spirit are refreshed, you’ll want to go after those goals. You will probably get less done that when you broke yourself to pursue achievement. But you were just borrowing from the future. The pace may be slower but the work is still worthy, and I truly believe that pursuing dreams from a place of health brings better work.
What do you think? Am I full of it?
