But It's Boring!: Why Habits are Essential for Connection

I have to tell you, I constantly feel like a failure as a writer.  Now, that could be because of impostor syndrome or some other fear of success stuff.  But usually, it’s because I have trouble actually getting down to the business of writing.  When I was working on the bulk of my book, I was very diligent.  I was in it, with the pressure to just get it done.  But now, I find myself finding a million other things to do.  Oh look, I need to clean off my dresser!  Oh, well they really need someone to volunteer, so I guess I can’t write today.  I’ve been meaning to look into summer camps for my kids…even though it’s November.  I find myself working the same way when it comes to connection. I always meant to get together, but the day would come and something urgent would take over.  In the past, whenever I did make it happen, I used shame or a sense of duty to force myself to “be a good friend” (whatever that means), but as I got older I realized how much that hindered true connection. If I was only there because I didn’t want to feel guilty about flaking, was that really going to build a strong friendship? 

The funny part was, I really wanted to hang out with these people.  In the moment, I enjoyed every minute.  After, I felt satisfied and relaxed.  Why, why was it so hard to just put my pants on and get out of the house?

It comes down to motivation and willpower.  Recent studies have shown that human beings only have so much willpower.  We can exercise it, like a muscle but asking ourselves to will behavioral changes with no lead up time inevitably ends in broken New Year’s Resolutions.  It is hard, at the end of a long day or week, to get up the gumption to see people.  It’s hard, when weighed down by whatever daily concerns we have, to take 5 minutes to make conversation. 

Willpower will not get us to where we need to go with connection.We will start out so excited for our new outlook and then, life will take over.We need to make building connection a part of our lives we don’t even have to think about.But how do we do that? By hacking our own brain into expecting connection by making it a habit.