Lean on Me: Loneliness in Connection Building

As I began to make connection more and more of a habit in my life, I paradoxically began to experience more and more loneliness.  It turned out that often, the people I wanted to spend time with were not able or willing to commit to long term connection.  Perhaps they already had enough connections and didn’t have time for one more.  Perhaps they were not habitual people and didn’t need consistent interaction like I did.  Perhaps they liked being around me occasionally, but too often and my foibles grated on their pet peeves.  Any and all of those could have been true.  As I aged firmly into adulthood, I realized that my best friends were not necessarily the people I would have chosen out of a line up.  They were the people who were going to be there for me over time. 

When I write it out, it sounds like I’m settling, as though I don’t actually want to be friends with the people I know.  But in reality, it’s quite the opposite.  I’m realizing that earlier in my life, I didn’t know what really made for a good friend.  I think back to my grandparents and how part of their large far-flung community were people who drove them a little nuts but who would also come in the middle of the night to help them if asked. Those are the people I want in my life.

In college, I took a class on relationships through the life span and I remember a professor talking about how when we’re in high school and college, someone seeming “cool” and above it all seems so intriguing.  But as we grow up, people who are mysterious just become too much work.  We’ve all moved into the stage of our lives where our energies are pouring into work, child rearing, or community endeavors.*   I don’t have time to fight for the attention of my friends anymore.

It took me time to find people who wanted to make connections part of their life, who were going to put in as much as they took.  Now, don’t get me wrong, we all go through seasons.  I am sure when I had infant twins, I was taking so much more than I gave.  But I like to think that the underlying commitment to my community never changed.

All that to say, it might seem lonely as you begin to make connection part of your life.  Press on and you will find the people who will come in the middle of the night if you need them.

*Unless I have some teenage readers!  Hi teenagers!  Can you tell me what vibe check means?