Potty Training Yourself: Getting Over the Rejection Hump

Because it can be hard to get people on board with the connection building habit, I like to trick myself into enjoying rejection and pain.  Now don’t get me wrong, as a lifetime sufferer of social anxiety, I still look back on the stupid thing I said in fourth grade occasionally.  But as an adult, I have realized one amazing thing.  If I pair a hard choice with a delicious reward, then, like my dog, I am more willing to do it.

So, let’s say I want to have some people over for dinner each week.  And let’s say I invite 5 people to come.  And let’s say 3 of them say yes, but the other two say maybe and then never get back to me, making me feel bad.  Because if they really couldn’t make it, they would just have said no, right?  Well, either way, I get two M&Ms. 

Or maybe, I want to set up a weekly coffee date for some writer friends of mine to talk about writing.  But it’s a pain in the butt to get everyone’s emails, figure out a date, etc. etc.  On the other side of that hassle, however, is an episode of The Durrells in Corfu that I’ve been dying to watch.

Perhaps I just want to encourage myself to make more serendipitous connections.  I’m the kind of person that if I see an acquaintance at the grocery store, will do everything in my power to not encounter them.  Usually I’m tired, hungry and just trying to get in and out.  But, if I promise myself a People magazine in exchange for saying hi and talking for 2 minutes, I’m more likely to do it.

This may all seem silly, but it’s not.  Making new habits is hard and our brains have a lot more in common with our dogs that we’d like to admit.  Why not use what works?  I get that there may be some problems with using food as a reward but a) find something that works for you and b) can we all acknowledge that food is rewarding?

I am a firm believer in giving your brain the mental space it needs to get used to the changes you’re making.  If we decide to do something by force of will alone, it will not last.  But if we make small incremental changes, paired with pleasant rewards even when the outcome may be awkward or painful, we will find that change comes much easier.

At the same time, I never want to make someone feel like they are individually responsible for a systemic problem.  If you are struggling to find connections and the people around you are not making that a priority, neither of you are to blame.  If you are trying to make connection a habit and feel like you’re failing, take a deep breath. 

When we ask ourselves or others to make connection a priority, we are being one small part of a movement to rewrite society away from the direction it has gone.  There is a reason that our culture looks the way it does – almost all of our societal influences make it hard to habitually see people.  There are few neighborhood bars, kids are overscheduled, traffic takes hours off our days, we have to move far from home to find jobs, and technology is not always facilitating but sometimes supplanting connection. We have to push and fight for the simple goodness of making connection a habit.

Use the tricks you have but don’t for a minute think that if you get tired or overwhelmed it is because of your weakness.  Take a break, use self care, and wake up the next day to fight again.