A Failure to Appreciate: Embracing Mistakes
Ok, ok. I’ve spent the last few weeks talking about the beauty of complexity, and how life is an adventure and how we just need to assume good faith and respect each other values and the pragmatic side of myself is muttering, “Well now, wait just a minute.” Because sometimes someone making choices their way for their reasons still affects you and the choices you get to make.
I know how much work it takes to not feel hurt when your soft spots get poked. It can seem impossible when you’re just doing your best with a crappy situation and someone comes along, making it all look easy, or doing it all wrong and not even admitting it! I am the first to notice and rage at the unfairness of it all and give into the grumpy self that wants everything my way.
It’s even worse when you really, really care about something and it seems like another person disregards that for their own convenience. Value differences mean that often people won’t see what something means to you because it doesn’t mean anything to them. How often have you had a fight with a friend or spouse about something stupid, just to later realize that the toilet paper orientation or texting frequency was just a proxy for consideration and respect?
You are allowed to not be appreciative all the time. (Not that you need my permission, but you have it.) It’s fine to get frustrated when people do things differently and to take baby steps – just appreciating one more thing today than yesterday.
And if someone hurts you, willingly or unwillingly? Let them know. There is a line where difference becomes hurtful. A friend of mine is really into making delicious food and, as someone who is passionate about something, he will offer a true critique of your cooking if you ask him. (And sometimes when you don’t.) For me, appreciating him meant assuming good faith and capitalizing on his passion by enjoying his food. It also meant telling him that I didn’t really want the truth about my food. Just tell me it’s delicious. We both met in the middle.
This community thing is going to be messy. We are going to screw up. Unfortunately, vulnerability means that I have to admit those mistakes, but also that those screw ups don’t define me. Make good, say sorry, try again tomorrow. The most beautiful part of this life is that except for the very end, we always have tomorrow to do better.
Can you find one thing to appreciate in another person? Can you let go of one regret about a screw up?
