Working Our Butts Off: When Community Requires Labor

One of the least talked about parts of community building is how much work it takes.  I think it’s because for the last hundred years at least, as we devalued unpaid work more and more, the labor of building connections became less public.  It’s to the point where we are supposed to consider this labor joyful, because if we’re not getting paid for it and it’s not fun, why do it?  I bristle at this so much because it makes unpaid work out to be worthless, as though thoughtful parenting, deep friendships, and community care doesn’t matter because some sociopathic venture capitalist has never noticed how much time it takes to just keep things running.  (And perhaps because they never have done thoughtful parenting, been a good friend, or cared for their community?)

But if we don’t talk about how being a connection builder can be hard, then we won’t survive the burnout.  Because it is hard.  Passing on traditions, celebrating people, making sure those in crisis are not alone – these are hard work.  To some extent we’ve commodified this work with party planners, home care aides, and the like.  I have no objection to that.  But there are many other people doing all this work for free.  When we say, “Hey!  I’m tired from all this work!” those who don’t value anything but money just tell us to stop doing it because it’s worthless anyway.

This is the context in which we build connections.  So when I recommend self-sacrifice to help others, understand this.  I know what that means.  I have spent years letting go of the belief that it was always wrong to say no to a sacrifice.  I also need to atone for taking advantage of that belief in others.

Connection building is can be a lot of work, especially at first.  It requires self-sacrifice – the giving of time, energy, or emotion beyond what you want to.  It seems in our society, you either have to be a bitch and say no to everything or never be allowed to say no to anything. I’m trying to find a middle path.  Sacrifice is a connection building value but only if we choose it freely.  Don’t let me or anyone else tell you when or where to give of yourself. Context matters.