No Arguing Before Breakfast!: Balancing My Needs with Theirs
This morning I woke up to two arguments before 8 am. The first, with Forrest, was a political discussion about the viability of Joe Biden as a political candidate and occurred at 7:18 am. Mind you, I walked into the kitchen at 7:15 and was attacked with dog kisses for the next 3 minutes. Forrest and I discussed, aka argued, until 7:24 when I remembered my “no arguing before breakfast” rule and stopped the conversation. The next occurred at 7:29 when Rowan came in, told me we had to read this book from school right then, read 4 pages, threw it across the room and yelled that I had told her teacher she never reads at home. Halfway through a bagel, I yelled back that we would discuss after breakfast as I have a “no arguing before breakfast” rule.
So much for that feeling of “enoughness”. So much for bringing my unique skills to the table and being appreciated for all I am and bring. I can’t even get through a cup of tea before I’m not meeting Forrest’s need to discuss a podcast and Rowan’s need to talk about school. I feel like I’m juggling all these different balls. One, that in community, we can all work together to meet all the needs. Two, that in my family, I am incapable of meeting every need and that’s ok. Three, that maybe sometimes I need to push beyond my desires in both community and family.
I’m sure I’m not alone in figuring out how to get these things right. I want to be the kind of person who can have the conversation with Rowan about her feelings when she wants to have it. I want to be the kind of person who has interesting discussions with my husband over breakfast. I also sometimes wish that I could teleport Rowan over to my mother’s kitchen for the first conversation and send Forrest to his brother’s house for the second. Because I HAVE A NO ARGUING BEFORE BREAKFAST RULE!
I think a more aware, kinder, gentler person would have remembered the rule before entering into a conversation and calmly laid out the boundary. And a more cohesive society would include people at breakfast for my family members to talk to. But here we are. I’m still working on the gentleness thing and I don’t see any communal living in my future. So for now, what we have is frustration and forgiveness, and maybe just maybe me sometimes saying, “Okay, we can talk about this even though I am breaking my rule.” Not to Forrest, mind you. He can go talk about Joe Biden somewhere else. But Rowan could have used some sacrificial patience this morning. She needed connection and that looked in the moment like me breaking my rule to be there with her.
Sometimes connection requires self-sacrifice. Even when I’m still in my PJs.