When There is No Silver Lining: Unfixable Problems
Ok, I will admit it. I am a recovering cliché-speaker. For years, I’ve tried to look at the bright sides, told people to find the silver lining, promised things will get better and generally been a really annoying person to be around in a crisis.
It’s just that I’m so damn uncomfortable with problems I can’t fix. Forrest laughs and occasionally grumbles because if he mentions something around the house that we need or needs to be looked at, I’m on my phone while he’s talking ordering something or setting up a visit from a plumber or electrician. I can’t not fix it.
But so much of life’s problems aren’t fixable and it can be hard to simply sit beside someone who is struggling. Especially when those struggles combined with vulnerability mean that people get messy around you. Tempers flare, important things are forgotten and you’ll feel taken advantage of. There will be times when you forbear because someone is having a rotten day (or year). If someone trusts you enough to share their pain, honor it with acceptance. It is enough to simply exist beside someone suffering.
That may seem easy in theory, but the rubber really hits the road when you realize that people who are struggling don’t always work the way we think they should. Sometimes I think they should want to talk about what’s going on and all they want to do is talk about anything else. Sometimes I think they should accept the practical help I offer but all they want is to have the normalcy of cooking, cleaning, and running errands. Sometimes I think they should need my help when it’s easy for me but it turns out that grief, pain, and frustration work on their own timetable.
There is an element of forbearance in allowing our lives to be rescheduled to meet the needs of those around us. After all, we do have a right to not be on call all the time. But we give that up when we commit to being there for each other. All of the best people I have know have been the kind of people you can call at three in the morning. The kind of people who show up at the hospital or give you a hug whether or not you knew you needed it.
Who have those people been for you? When have you been able to open your life to help another?
