We All Suck At Something: Getting Over Not Being Enough

As the new decade dawned, every social media platform was inundated with people doing the ten-year challenge, comparing where they were in 2010 to where they were in 2020.  I didn’t find the time to do it because the children were home and oh-so-bored until they found entertainment in whacking each other over the head and torturing the dogs with various dress-up costumes.  Needless to say, it’s only now, a few weeks later that I am thinking about where I was in 2010.

On January 1, 2010, I was in the second trimester of my first pregnancy.  I had no idea what I was in for.  And not just because any large life transition changes you.  But because I had it all figured out.  You see, I had majored in child development and then in social work.  I had read a lot of books.  And I had a couple nieces and nephews!  I could do this.  Of course it would be hard, but I knew how to do hard.

What I didn’t know how to do is be terrible at important things.  Magnolia was a terrible baby.  I don’t say that lightly.  A lot of people remarked on it.  She was so mad and she never slept.  I remember looking at friends nursing their babies to sleep beatifically and thinking, “Not once.  Not once has she ever fallen asleep while I was sitting in a chair.”   It was always walking or bouncing or something.  I once laid her down drowsy in her crib and patted her back.  She cried until she vomited.

I couldn’t do it.  Her needs were so great and I was so inadequate.  So you know what we did?  We had Forrest handle nighttime.  Her lack of need for sleep came from him after all.  It was our secret.  Other moms would talk about how the baby was up all night and I would nod along, burning with the shame that I could not give my baby that attention.  Until I sat with a friend and confessed it, making self-deprecating jokes.  She responded, “Well, it all seems very civilized to me.  She’s happy, he’s happy, and you’re rested.  Where’s the problem?”

Where was the problem?  The dark side of scarcity is that we are less valuable, important or worthy if we cannot meet every need that comes across our path.

We can’t be the parent we want to be?  Selfish. 

We can’t afford an expensive gift for that birthday party?  Poor.

We can’t find the time to sit with the grieving friend?  Disorganized.

But those are lies.  Because generosity is about giving more than is comfortable but not because we want to avoid shame.  No, generosity shows other people our love for them. 

We can’t be the parent we want to be?  Be the friend who offers compassion to other parents. 

We can’t afford an expensive gift for that birthday party?  Give the note that changes peoples lives.  (I still have a poem my brother wrote me for my high school graduation.  It sits on my dresser.) 

We can’t find the time to sit with the grieving friend?   Text them to check on them every time you feel bad about it.  Annoy them with your attention.

Accept that you alone are not going to be enough to fill every need.  Accept that “enough” might look very different than you think it should.  Don’t deny others their chance at generosity, and don’t deny yourself the chance to learn to accept generosity from them.

How can you be unconventionally generous today?  What are you feeling “not enough” for?  How can you change your thinking on that?