Uncomfortable Learning

Back when I was in college, a friend and I had a recurring debate that we’d have over and over again. As psychology students, we’d read the studies that showed that women who embraced traditional gender roles were less successful but generally happier. At a time in our lives when we weren’t particularly happy (although who is when walking to class in an upstate NY winter?), the idea that we might be able to drop out, stop worrying about finals, throw some lipstick and an apron on and call it a day – well, let’s just say it had its appeal. But we knew that happiness would be fleeting. Knowledge brought discomfort, anger, and often sadness, but it also brought fulfillment, passion, and tools to help other people. I wouldn’t be able to do the things I love to do now if I’d given up then.

I always, always try to remember that I’m not learning about our complex world just for funsies. I’m not reading books by diverse authors to become a better person, or to seem more woke, or to show off. I’m curious about other people’s lives because if I move through this one, beautiful life I have without learning, I’m going to hurt people. I’m going to assume things about them that aren’t true. I’m going to attribute my successes to my awesomeness and their failures to their terribleness. I won’t allow myself to hurt people like that.

I could have chosen a 1950s life. There are many who do, and if it works for you, go and be blessed. Even having stayed home with my kids for so long, I feel like I straddle that line. But I don’t embrace traditional gender roles, because I’ve seen too much of life. I’ve seen people cross those roles again and again to become the people that they were meant to be. And when I start to unpack my ideas of who people are based on gender, race, and sexuality, I start to be able to approach the world from a more complicated and more beautiful place.

Too much advocacy, especially that done by well-meaning white women, has failed to be informed by the complexity of the world in which we live. If you look at the history of non-profits and social work, middle-class women just like me created the types of solutions that work in our world instead of looking at the worlds inhabited by people in poverty, immigrants, and people of color. We must be curious or we will do harm. That internal work? It’s not all of the work we have to do, but it is the starting block, and we must continue to learn our whole lives. It’s not the easy, happy way, but it is the only real way to create change that helps all people.