A Rough Day: Bringing Emotions to the Table
It’s been a bit of a pensive day around here. We’ve been watching some homebuying show from England, me and the twins, and as much fun as it is to debate which house they should buy and why, it’s hard to watch scenes from far-off places that feel impossibly distant. Not that we’d be hopping on a plane to go to England any time soon, but we’re so stuck here that our big vacation this summer is a VRBO an hour away. No new scenes, just a house and lake that are slightly different than the house and lake we spend all summer visiting. We’ve been spending time thinking and talking about what we have to be grateful for, how lucky we are, but also processing our grief and sadness. And by we, I mean the kids. They’ve been processing, which looks less like snuggly tearful moments and more like calling the house hunters on the TV idiots for not appreciating the beauty that surrounds them. And then picking on each other because we’re stuck here and we can never leave and there’s nothing fun to do and, “No! I will NOT go on another hike as long as I live!”
As a mom, it’s hard to experience all that processing when, frankly, I agree with them, especially about the “never hiking again” part. I feel stuck too. I feel like my life will never be good again. I feel exhausted and stressed and increasingly isolated and worried that my friends won’t even like me when this is all done. My inner 8-year-old is also screaming at the TV.
Which is why I need to do some work on my internal state. Because when I’m trying to help these little people I’ve been blessed with, they don’t need me to dump all of my emotional crap on top of their emotional crap. There’s more than enough crap with just them. So I have to take care of myself. I have to educate myself. I have to confront my own fears and take the hard steps and reach out to people who can help me get my head on right. And then I’ll be ready to help them.
If I don’t? I’m going to discipline them for saying the word ‘idiot’ instead of asking why that might be their reaction to some stranger not liking the exposed beams in a 300 year old house. That word won’t hurt anyone on the TV, but if I come down hard, I will. I’ll fight back in the face of disrespect instead of earning their respect by seeing that little hearts are breaking with every day spent in this limbo of fear and isolation.
What does this have to do with advocacy? Well, when we’re dealing with people, we need to do our own internal work before we step into emotionally charged situations. Otherwise, we can think we’re behaving rationally and they’re the unrealistic ones, but we’re both bringing our unexamined selves to the fight. And from there, we’re only going to find more conflict, less cooperation, and create more pain when we’re trying to make the world a better place. Our good intentions mean nothing if we’re not willing to do the work to make sure that we don’t hurt other people while trying to help them.
What crap are you bringing to the table? How has that affected your efforts to do good in your community?
