The Balance Of Choices: Fear and Forbearance

One of my favorite books of all time is The Blue Castle, a little known work by L.M. Montgomery, the author of Anne of Green Gables. The book centers around one woman’s journey as she struggles with a devastating diagnosis and a line from a book:

Fear is the original sin. Almost all of the evil in the world has its origin in the fact that some one is afraid of something. It is a cold slimy serpent coiling about you. It is horrible to live with fear; and it is of all things degrading.

I think often of that line, especially the degrading nature of fear. I think of all the times I made choices, not out of large fears, but small ones. The choice not to say hello in case I was unwanted. The choice not to reach out in case I was rebuffed. The choice not to go the extra mile in case I was unappreciated. Each of those choices are the opposite of connection-building. If I had been brave enough to introduce myself, reach out or express generosity, I now wonder what could have been.

Of course, in all probability, nothing special. Our world doesn’t rely on me to make every brave choice and community doesn’t require me to always be my best self. But that fear does degrade me. It makes me less than I am.

That’s why I think fear and forbearance are opposites. Forbearance says to our base natures – that part of ourselves obsessed with fairness and rights. It’s ok, you have enough within you to bear the costs of another person’s bad choices. Fear says the opposite. If you don’t stand up for yourself every time, at every turn, you’re going to end up a doormat. If you don’t protect yourself, who will?

We become the accumulation of our small choices. If the balance of our choices is towards trust, towards forgiveness, we become a sanctuary of trust and grace. If our balance is towards hard lines and tall walls, we become a fortress in which we are safe but no one else is.

Let me end by saying this, though. You get to choose. Forbearance isn’t forbearance if you feel like you have to. One of the most cherished values of my own life is free will. You get to decide when and how this plays out in your life. And sometimes you will be pushed too far and it is more than okay to say Absolutely not. (Not that you need my permission, but you have it.)

How does fear of being hurt change your connections? Where can you soften your hard lines?