Pride and Prejudice: Overcoming Slights
This morning, Forrest and I had a bit of a spat. That is to say, we sat in the kitchen and discussed, reasonably calmly, why the other person didn’t understand or appreciate us at all and why basically we had both been the victim of criminal callousness from someone who is supposed to know better. For our fairly dramatic relationship, it went relatively well. But as I was sitting down to write afterwards, I am reminded how complicated forbearance can be. Because in the midst of that conversation, I needed to express my boundaries, and forgive the slights that had hurt me, and accept that we both needed to make some changes, all at the same time.
Life is messy like that. In community, there are not easy answers for when to let things go and when to push back. Or when to push back a little even though the hurt was quite large. And when maybe we need to rejigger the whole situation because it’s just not working the way it’s supposed to.
With all of the complexities and miscommunications, sometimes modern day community can seem more convoluted than a Jane Austen novel, without the guaranteed happy ending. So what’s our beacon, helping us to align our behavior and know when we’ve gone too far towards one side or the other?
I’m not sure if there is a better answer, but for me, this forbearance/boundaries dance has always relied upon resentment as my warning signal. I pursue kind and gracious connection up to the point where I start feeling bitter and resentful. Then I realize I’m starting to give up things that are non-negotiables. At that point, I start to ask a lot of questions.
What value is being transgressed here? What does this situation mean to me? What piece of it is bothering me so much? Is there a different way to look at this? Are they doing something that feels hurtful to me but is simply unnoticed by them? How can I address this within myself as a perspective change? What small changes on their part will feel significant to me? How can I ask that of them with kindness and respect? How can I make sure we’re all assuming good faith?
Once I’ve answered all those questions, I have one big final question to ask: Am I willing to do this work? In the end, I may choose not to forbear. I might decide to stop working at this friendship for awhile. That choice might depend on several factors: Do I expect that this is just a difficult phase that they’re going through? Has this behavior been consistent with past behavior (and therefore do I think it will continue)? Is it just me, or are our mutual friends also dealing with resentment over an issue? Does this touch on deep-seated feelings of rejection that I’m still working on? It may turn out that I can’t continue to put in effort to maintain a connection that is hurting me. That is why the fulcrum of forbearance is choice. Without choice, giving up rights doesn’t maintain connection, it destroys it.
What questions help you decide when to let things go or push back? What values are so important to you that you can’t bear them being transgressed?
