The Antidote to Judgment: Appreciating Uncertainty
The other day I was looking back through some old videos of the twins’ toddlerhood. They often ask me to tell them stories of their baby years and, to my chagrin, I honestly don’t remember that much. We were so tired and so overwhelmed that all I remember is nursing, tantrums and walking the floor. (The tantrums were usually mine.) I came across a video of Forrest pushing a contraption he’d made by tying our Fisher Price Cozy Coupe to our wagon. Magnolia was the “driver” and the twins were latched in the back of the wagon. He ran around the park pushing them as I chased after recording and (probably) worrying about the twins falling out.
After rediscovering that memory, I looked over at him. “Damn, Forrest, we were good toddler parents.” It was a revelation. As I said, all I remember are the hard times and my own regrets at not being better. I remember being unsure all the time – about sleep, about feeding, about discipline, about everything. And I remember being defensive and judgy. At one parent education event I went to, another mom of twins asked how to keep her 10-month-old twins still while she read to them during their daily reading hour. My brain sputtered. My twins were barely fed, slept, and changed. I was supposed to read to them too? My mind went to all sorts of judgmental places. I bet she has a nanny. Or maybe two. Or her kids are just so perfect and calm. Or, or, or. I was all too happy to fill my bone dry bucket with smug superiority in the face of her seeming perfection.
If we’re going to be in a connected community, we need to admit that when we are low on self-care and feeling exposed, appreciation is hard. When others make choices that we don’t or can’t, those differences can be threatening and so many of us turn to judgment. There’s nothing less vulnerable than judgment. Judgment protects and serves our emotional needs over others.’ Judgment is how we try to fill up our cups when we can’t or won’t accept our own uncertainty.
Because that’s the source, right? Uncertainty. In adulthood, we all face hard decisions – choices with real stakes and lasting repercussions. How to raise our kids. Whether and who to marry. What to spend our money on. And there are no easy answers. We’re all just doing our best and the existence of people who make different choices? They’re evidence that maybe we chose wrong.
Appreciation is the antidote to that. It says, “What does that life look like? How is that working for them? How is my life or community blessed by their choices?” What it doesn’t say is, “Their choice is better than yours.” It’s an acknowledgement that our world is made more interesting when people find their own way. And it’s made more interesting when you find yours, too.
So don’t give in to the threat of difference, give in to the beauty of complexity.
