It's Not Facebook's Fault: Connection Building in the 21st Century
Our society is suffering from a crisis of connection. Since the advent of Bowling Alone by Robert Putnam, it seems that we all keep returning to this one incontrovertible fact: Americans aren’t as close as they used to be. A 2018 study showed that 27% of Americans rarely or never feel as though there are people who understand them. One in five people say they rarely or never feel close to people. Only half of Americans have meaningful social interactions daily. These problems aren’t attributable just to social media or to aging. Young people report higher levels of isolation and social media use isn’t a predictor of lack of connection. It’s not Facebook and Twitter that are keeping us alone.
Yet, when I talk to people about this connection-oriented book I’m writing, they look at me in befuddlement. “I guess some people must struggle with that,” they say, “but I’ve got too many connections going on. Too much to do.” I’m not sure why it seems to hit so flat with some people but then when I talk to the helpers – therapists, teachers, clergy – they all tell me we need to be having this conversation, right now and on a large scale.
Are we just divided into the haves and have-nots of connection? Some of us can’t get away from people and some of us are lonely in a crowd? Perhaps it’s my own community, made up of mostly parents of school-aged children. Our time is so prescribed, we see other people at practices, work, drop-offs, and birthday parties, so we don’t have time to feel alone. Without the delightfully adorable social crutch of our children, maybe we would sense our own isolation.
Or perhaps it’s that we’ve become resigned to a life where we can never quite be ourselves with other people. That community we long for is an impossibility. I’ve walked for a long time trying to fit in just well enough to be liked while still trying to be myself, but as I approach middle-age, I try to summon up the hope that there is a place where people can be closely connected enough to work through frustrations, forgive, and grow even when our different personalities clash.
Or maybe some people are just good at building close connections. They’re the connection builders around us who don’t feel alone because to them, all friendships are close, all family gatherings are pleasant, and all checkout clerks are ripe for conversation. That personally sounds exhausting but maybe that’s how some people go through life, the way models and dancers seem to float and Justin Bieber keeps selling records.
What do you think? Are we lying to ourselves? Have we become resigned? Or is there just a personality type that doesn’t struggle with building community?
