Adult Temper Tantrums: Self-Care and Connection

The other day my daughter R and I had a breakthrough.  We’ve been fighting a lot as she’s been a jerk and I’ve been grumpy.  I’ve been grumpy because sometimes the PTA can suck, and there’s a new dog peeing all over everything, and I’m doing edits on one book while looking at a blank page for another.  Double grumpy.

Well, it turns out that R has been a jerk because she has been seeing my double grumpy and empath that she is, has been working her 7 year old heart out to help me cheer up, and then getting double grumpy herself when it doesn’t work (because even she can’t make me forget PTA shenanigans).  Then being a jerk, and then getting in trouble and then and then and then…

Apparently, in our house, the “and then” ends in me throwing a major tantrum which results in me throwing out all the delicious frozen berries. (It made sense at the time.)  And then R and I having a talk in which I use great willpower to refrain from using the word “fuck” when asking, “What is going ON with you?!?”  Wherein she explains to me how everyone around her is mad or sad and she’s trying to make it all better but it’s not working and why don’t we love her enough to be happy?

Whew.  First of all, if that’s not like looking back in time to 7-year-old Serenity, I don’t know what is.  Second of all, my kids are way more articulate than I am equipped to deal with.  But in the end, we both came to terms with the idea that she is not responsible for my happiness and I am not responsible for hers.  We each have to take responsibility for our own happiness and allow the other person to deal with their own shit.  In her kid parlance, that came out as, “I can’t fix your mad or sad, but I can give you a hug.”  She also demonstrated an appropriate hug gesture if emotions are high and talking isn’t an option.  This kid slays me.

All that to say, if you want connection, you’ve got to fill your own bucket first.  Walking around with a giant hole of need (or as we say, an empty bucket) will make connection not only impossible, but complicatedly tangled up.  Get your bucket filled first, then go out and connect.