Day 19: Be Gentle With Yourself

When we’re building or deepening community, it’s essential to be open, honest, and occasionally vulnerable with our people. But each of those values brings with it risk. Risk that our openness, honesty, and vulnerability will be unappreciated or even rejected. And the more open we are, the more that hurts.

It’s easy to get mad, to want to defend against what feels like a rejection of your very soul. Rethinking boundaries after someone hurts you isn’t the worst idea in the world. We don’t owe our vulnerability to anyone. We get to choose how and when to share that part of ourselves. At the same time, before making any decisions, it’s important to allow yourself time and space.

I call it “cocooning.” Whenever I’ve been either especially vulnerable or had my vulnerability rejected in community, I allow/require myself to take some time to metaphorically curl up. I head back to my self-care standards. I don’t watch sad tv or read stressful books. Often, I return to stories that have given me comfort in the past. (Forrest always knows I’m struggling when he sees me pick up a book by L.M. Montgomery.) Often, I feel foolish. What grown person needs to return to TV reruns when she feels overexposed?

I do. And maybe so do you. We’re not gentle enough with ourselves. I don’t think we were ever taught to be. Gentleness does not mean excusing bad behavior. It doesn’t mean I don’t have to treat other people with respect and dignity. What it does mean is that I accept my humanity. I accept that some days I will be on fire, at my best, a force to be reckoned with. And some days? I’m allowed to go through the motions and then veg on the couch. And those days happen especially when I’ve been hurt or put myself out there. I’m not a robot. I need to recover.

The key here is that “cocooning” doesn’t last forever. For me, it’s usually a day or two. For you, it might be different. But either way, I cannot allow past pain to keep me from a fully-lived live. If we want strong connections, we must be willing to keep showing up, again and again. Recovery is part of that cycle.

So, today, how can you be gentle to yourself?