Beautiful Facades: Vulnerability and Connection

So I have a bit of a problem here.  I really want to make people feel comfortable and at ease, able to build connections with me and others, etc. etc.  But the other side of that is that when people become comfortable, showing who they are, the inevitable next step is vulnerability.  And vulnerability makes me itchy.

I truly, honestly believe in the value of vulnerability.  And I truly, honestly hate doing it with all my heart.  Time and again, Forrest will watch me whirling in a storm of busyness and just sit there waiting for me to break down and tell him some horrible thing I’m thinking about my own inadequacies. 

Even worse is my worries about handling other people’s vulnerabilities.  What if they tell me something important and I don’t notice?  What if I say the exact wrong thing?  It’s hard enough for me to know what to say at life’s big difficulties – deaths and the like – what’s my script for someone telling me about work problems or parenting fears?  I can’t keep repeating, “Oh, how terrible,” over and over.

But if we want to build real connections between people, we need to show our true selves.  There’s no point in wearing a mask and then connecting with someone else wearing a mask.  Wow, those two masks must have a really good relationship with each other.

We used to think of vulnerability as a bad thing.  The word is usually used that way after all.  Companies have market vulnerabilities, homeland security is trying to make our country less vulnerable and our social and medical programs target vulnerable populations.  It took the groundbreaking work of shame researcher Brené Brown to show us that, in relationships, vulnerability isn’t a flaw but rather the courage to “show up and be seen.”

We’ve got to let go of our facades – our front-facing selves that hide every crack, flaw and stain.  Not always, of course.  I don’t recommend deep vulnerability in a job interview or PTA meeting.  But if we’re working to strengthen connections, there will come a point where we have to have faith in our friends.  Make a brave choice and dip at least one toe in the pool of vulnerability.    

How can you encourage vulnerability in yourself today?  How can you honor someone else’s vulnerability?