A Jonah Day: When Appreciation Isn't Enough
It’s been a grumpy sort of day around here. The February blues are upon us and it feels like it’s been raining forever. I’m eager for spring, so eager I started seeds under our grow lights last weekend, but it’s been spitting flurries all day. The kids are just done with their toys and cabin fever is now officially out of control. Forrest walked up just as I was putting the dogs out and yelling, “NO MORE BARKING!” Such a nice welcome home from work.
With all this grumpiness, the five of us just keep…bumping into each other. Literally, as I write this, Willow is stalling on brushing, the other two are jumping on and off the couch and Forrest is trying to get them to bed. I’m hiding behind my laptop and headphones.
Appreciation is only going to get me so far today. I’ve tried noticing the charming nature of my children’s creative play, even as it leads to pillows everywhere and riled-up dogs. I’ve tried thanking Forrest for his help and engagement, even as we both try to push past each other doing chores. And I know that a dog can make a house a home, but having to walk out in the rain 5 times a day is a little wearing.
All communities of people have these moments. They may be completely unintentional, like a forgotten invitation. They may be insensitive, not meant to hurt but not kind either, like a caustic comment that stings. Or, like my temper tantrum at the dogs, they may be the product of a person who is just at their wits’ end and is now behaving badly.
Appreciation can help us to see why regrettable incidents happen. But sometimes, we need a restorative process to come back from them. We need a value that refuses to allow connections to break, even when they are stressed beyond the breaking point.
Forbearance is that force. Unlike forgiveness, which is about letting go of negative emotions of resentment, forbearance is much more active. Usually used as a legal term, forbearance is when someone is owed a debt, but does not require it to be paid. In a community context, I prefer it to forgiveness because I don’t think we always have that much control over our feelings. I believe we can work to purge ourselves of resentment but that might be a long process. In the meantime, our connections need to be kept strong and the best way we can do that is to acknowledge that we’ve been wronged, that we are upset about it, but that we are not going to require the other person to make it right.
The most fabulous part of forbearance is that the locus of control lies within each of us. When we’ve been hurt, we get to decide how to move forward. Forbearance ensures that we have a way to keep connection if we want to, but it also acknowledges that our rights have been betrayed and there is no moral obligation to ignore that.
In small ways and big, we will hurt each other in community. The best we can do is apologize, move forward and hope that forbearance will help keep our connections strong so that the little things don’t take us down.
How have you practiced forbearance in the past? When have you decided not to?
