Two Selves

I’m going to brag on me and my friends for a minute here. I have been up to my neck in it these last few weeks running a fundraiser for our PTA so that next year, when life hopefully looks more in-person, we have cash for all those field trips and assemblies and art programs. And we kicked butt. It was so complicated, in the middle of hybrid learning and pandemic rules and everything, and there were some very rough moments. But we did it. We pulled through and raised plenty.

And now it is, thank goodness, over. After dropping the last of the prizes off for students Monday, and then folding the mountain of laundry that had piled up, I get a normal day today. A day to write! And call friends! And watch TV with my kids! Forrest looked over at breakfast and said, “It’s nice having you back.” At first, I took that as an insult. I’ve been here the whole time. Juggling extra work along with trying to get my regular work done and do at home school and be a good household partner and and and. Luckily, he knows me by now and reassured that what he missed was my presence, the part of me that only comes out when I’m not thinking of the fifteen things on my to-do list that are due RIGHT NOW.

He’s right, of course. When I’m caught up in the muddle of stress and worry and work, I’m not the same person as I am when I’m at peace. To tell the truth, I like both of those people. I like the competent, get-shit-done self I am when I’m working or volunteering. I also like the thoughtful, creative self I am when I’m not.

It made me think of how sometimes our relationships get so bogged down in obligations and doubts and regrets that we get stuck being just one part of ourselves. And until we get rid of that, either by working through it or just letting it all go, we can’t be the other self that is maybe more able to connect to each other. There’s a time and a place for being good to each other and making things right. But if that’s all it is, then we never get the lazy Sunday morning coffee and crossword puzzle moments. Or the Friday night firepit conversations. Or even the Tuesday afternoon catch-up chat for no reason at all.

I don’t know that there is a ten-step plan for getting rid of the crap that disconnects us. It’s probably different from relationship to relationship. But part of it is surely making sure that we give ourselves the time and space to just…be…together. No agendas, no schedules, no next thing to get to. I know the phrase quality time was invented to make us feel better about how little time we have these days, but the last year has taught me that if we strip away the stuff that doesn’t feed us, that doesn’t help other people or make us happy, we have a lot more time than we thought we did.

Let’s use it. Let’s use all of these beautifully normal days to reconnect and remember the selves we can be with each other.