To-Do Lists

I definitely had something interesting to write about yesterday. I really, really did. But, between parenting and volunteering, and of course it’s teacher appreciation week and also mother’s day coming up and all the other things, I have no earthly idea what it is. I want to believe that my brain will one day return to me and I will be able to keep my thoughts straight, that I won’t rely on to-do lists that put even the basics. But either it’s the pandemic or the constant child interruptions or simply a brain filled up with too many things, but I fear it’s not coming back.

I like to think that this scattered thought is the price I’ve paid for some small amount of wisdom. All of those stories, all of those connections, they’ve filled me up to the brim and sometimes what spills out is that email I really meant to respond to but I somehow lost. But maybe the other answer is that I need to give myself more silence. It’s easy to make excuses – look how busy I am! So much to do! – but in reality, I spend a lot of time on social media or watching stupid tv.

And I’m the first to say that those things can be good. I love seeing photos of my nieces and nephews and cousins! And stupid tv lets me clear my brain and rest at the end of a long day. But the truth of the matter is that I’m also not giving my brain a lot of time to breathe. How often do I preempt the quiet moments of my day? Am I so allergic to silence?

For me, the answer is…kinda. Silence gives me all sorts of space to think about things I don’t want to. Moments to let my mind wander to worst case scenarios. To fears. To frustrations. To unresolved problems and unforgiven hurts. And right now? I don’t want to think about it all. It’s hard enough to get my to do list done each day. I don’t have time for the big stuff.

Until I realize that maybe my brain is a bit fuzzy because of all that big stuff. I’m spending a whole lot of time brushing off stress from work, from pandemic life, from grief over losses. There are so many things on my big stuff to do list, but I don’t know how to check them off, so I keep transferring them from one day’s list to another. And I’m tired.

Maybe it’s just me. But I think there are a lot of us with a big stuff to-do list we’re working very hard to ignore. We’re filling up our silent moments with anything but that big stuff, because it’s not as easy as sending an email or making a call. It’s the hard work of life. Confronting fears. Accepting things out of our control. Grieving loss. And the path forward is often fraught, meandering, and frustrating.

Just the other day, I got a message that some rumor or other was circulating and set me off about something I thought I’d gotten over. I sat there steaming, fuming to Forrest, who, as always, brought me back down to Earth. Most of all, I was frustrated at how easily my anger had returned. I’d worked hard not to dwell there anymore! I’d looked at the situation from all sides and had compassion and been humble about my own faults and…screw it, I’m still pissed. Will I ever not be pissed?

I don’t know. But I do know that if I keep filling up the silent moments with anything but the big stuff, I’ll never stop having to avoid it. As they say, the only way out is through.