This Sucks: Sitting In the Presence of Pain
So here’s the problem. I want to show compassion to other people. I am truly interested in their problems, invested in helping them in a way that’s really helpful and willing to do the work on vulnerability and generosity to make sure I’m not just offering platitudes. But…I hate being around sadness.
I don’t just mean other sad people. No, I don’t even want to be around my own sadness. The moment I feel sad, I find some heavy digging to do in the garden or I get really, really mad and by the time I’ve taken a moment to think, I’m not sad any more. I may be enraged and covered in dirt, but I can deal with those two.
It took me a long time to realized that if I was ever going to be of use to anyone, I needed to learn how to sit beside pain, whether it was my own or someone else. I’m not naturally a kindly, wise friend. I’m more of a sarcastic jokes and gallows humor kind of friend. Because really, what do you say when something terrible and unfixable happens? I can only say, “This sucks,” so many times before it gets a little old.
How do we learn to exist in the midst of pain? Oh gosh, I don’t know. Some people seem to have a gift for it. For me, a huge part was acknowledging that sometimes, there is nothing that can be done except be there. And then the flip side of that, which is that sometimes being there is the best thing I can do. There is great vulnerability in saying, I have no particular skills that can help. I am not enough to make this better. As always, on the other side of vulnerability is freedom. Because if you can get through it, then it turns out you did have enough to survive.
Learning to trust our instincts is one of the most beautiful parts of being in community. When you’ve put in the work to build connections and appreciate the people in your life for who they are, you have what you need to help them. Not by fixing problems, but by reminding them that when things are tough, they’re not alone, not in the big things and not in the small things. And hopefully, that reminder will be enough for us to carry each other through.
How have you learned to sit in the midst of pain? What has helped you in your darkest moments?
