Tea and Sympathy: Trusting Others to Know Their Needs

When I first started pursuing true self-care and not just falling back on the old standards of wine and chocolate, it took me a long time to figure out what was going to fill my bucket up. And when I did, I was often surprised by how unique my needs wore – this particular tea or a chat with that particular friend. I though I could fall into the standards of exercise, eat healthy, and rest enough. Those general categories were all part of it but even exercising in the wrong way depleted my reserves rather than refilling them.

So maybe it helps to see compassion from the viewpoint of helping someone to fill up their bucket in a time when they can’t, whether because of circumstance or overwhelm. When we look at it that way, compassion needs to be unique. That isn’t to say our general go-to’s of casseroles and kind notes don’t have a place. But I’ve had more than one experience of trying to be compassionate in my way when the other person just needs something else.

But how do we even do this? When someone is hurting, it’s not like they’re going to be able to explore and explain exactly what they need. That’s too much burden to put on them. I think we start by just being helpful. Do the things that everyone needs doing. When I was a young mother, I loved having people come and just do a load of dishes for me. I’m not particular about how my dishes are done, but even if I were? It’s still one less task to do.

Then, listen. People will often tell you what they need without telling you. “I’m just so tired.” “I don’t know what I’m doing.” “It feels like my whole life is being taken over.” Compassion, here, would offer a break, reassurance, or even something as simple as a conversation about anything but their difficulties.

What’s hardest for me, though, is when someone knows what they need and it is the opposite of what I would need. I’m a talker and an information seeker. I want to learn as much as I can and then talk it over. I don’t want to escape or forget until I’ve figured it all out. So when a friend is really struggling and wants to get together for coffee, I’m ready. And then when I get there and they want to talk about anything else, I’m confused. Shouldn’t we be rehashing this over and over? Shouldn’t we be finding solutions? Shouldn’t we be discussing our feelings over the situation?

We shouldn’t. Part of appreciating differences is realizing that I don’t know what’s best for them. Maybe they don’t either but they get to be the expert in their own lives. My role is to support, celebrate and encourage them in whatever that looks like. No advice, no leading questions. Just existing and reaching out a hand to make sure they know they’re not alone.

What helps you when you’re needing compassion? How have others’ needs surprised you?