Self-Love, PG Version: Connect with Yourself before Connecting with Others

A friend of mine was talking about how she feels like she is just not good enough in any of the areas of her life.  Home, parenting, work, friendship – she feels like she’s failing at them all.  A third friend and I both looked at her and said, “We all feel like that all of the time.”  There isn’t enough of us to go around for all the needs we see, and in an increasingly global society, we see ALL the needs.  Everything from genocides to floods, to the kid killed on a cruise in a freak accident.  We hear it all and it weighs on us. 

At the same time we’re exposed to so much more than our brains were meant to, we are held to such higher standards than we ever were before.  I know, I know, the elders like to tell us how much harder things were in the old days, but I never heard the cops getting called on my parents because we walked to and from the park alone.  I’ve never heard my grandparents talk about the carefully curated lunches that they provided.  And I sure as hell remember when no one cared if you yelled at your kids.  I remember tearfully calling my mom after reading yet another article about how time-outs and yelling were permanently damaging to kids and she responded, “You can’t even put them in time-out anymore?  What are you supposed to do? Ignore it.  You’re a human being who is allowed to lose her temper and allowed to take a break.”

And there it is.  You are allowed to take a break.  Breaks make us better parents, kinder friends, and quicker workers.  But that’s not the point.  You are allowed to take a break, because you are a human being who deserves to feel at peace at least some of the time. 

The break I mean can be a physical or mental time of relaxation, but the most important part of self-care is the break from feeling guilty about it.  It does us no good to go for a walk if we regret all the things we should be doing instead.  If you have to externalize the need for self-care to not feel guilty by saying it will be better for everyone else who needs you, go for it.   But know this:  you’re a person with value outside of all the amazing things you do and achieve.  And that person is allowed to come first sometimes.

We can have all the time in the world for self-care.  But if we don’t value it, we won’t do it.