Remembering Life Before

Sorry for missing my last two deadlines. I’m trying to post here every Monday and Friday, but also trying to lean into the moment if it’s more important than writing a blog post. And last Friday, we took a weekend trip with our quarantine pod to the Hood Canal, which was so gorgeous and such a much needed break for everyone. The kids played in the sand, the dogs got their energy out, and the grownups enjoyed having tired out children for the first time in a very long time.

I also got to teach my kids a few of my childhood favorites. We played card games like Spoons and Bologna (aka BS for the underage crowd) and we ran around playing Kick the Can. It was remarkably fun, and I say this as a person who finds board games with little kids insufferably slow and boring. Most of all, what I noticed was how much energy we all had. The sunshine, the new locale, the company…it made me realize how vital and vibrant the days used to feel.

It’s hard for me to realize that because my days feel anything but vital and vibrant right now. I’m doing okay, but I’m an extrovert. I miss people. I miss small conversations and crowded coffee shops and the rush of saying hello to everyone when we have a potluck. I miss having the energy to pull together crazy shenanigans. Now, my energy goes to keeping everything in one piece for one more day. Just one more day. Except it’s been 11 months.

I know better days are coming, and the vaccine is already hitting people I know, but I worry. Will life feel like it used to? Will I feel vibrant and energetic again? I know there are some things that should not return to the way they were, but I had a pretty good thing going. I’d like to get back to that. But what if I can’t?

These are the questions that have me sitting awake at 2 am. I want the easy answers. “Yes, everything will be perfect again.” I want to tie it all up in a big red bow. But I don’t seem to have any ribbon handy right now. All I have is hope and love and determination. It’s enough to keep everything in one piece for today, and I’m choosing to believe that once this is over, those three things will allow us to take a deep breath and then, maybe, just maybe, remind ourselves of the vibrant people we used to be.