Day 26: Show Up For Someone
I’ve had a little shadow with me all afternoon. Up until about 5 minutes ago, my little 8 year old buddy was sitting next to me, ostensibly reading her book, but really asking me a lot of questions about what I was doing. This may be why there have been more cat and dog photos on the blog and fewer swears over the last few days. Rowan has been having a rough afternoon. Sometimes life gets to be a little much and she gets a little mouthy and then I lose my temper and then it all comes pouring out. All of the frustrations, fears, grief and loneliness of these last few months. The cancelled playdates, the cancelled vacations, the cancelled visits to family – it’s all just too much some days.
My natural reaction is to fix it. I’m more than happy to do a little song and dance routine, becoming Cruise Director carefully making sure every moment of the day is filled with art projects, hikes, and definitely no moments of existential dread over another year of not seeing our extended family. But that mania is not compassionate. It’s not understanding of her needs and it might mitigate them for awhile, but those emotions are still there because those problems are still there.
Back when I was first learning how to be a parent, I came across a quote which I promptly wrote on a notecard and put up in my kitchen.
Parenting is an endurance race, not an engineering problem.
Oh man, did that hit me hard. I’d tried to find a “fix” for every issue Baby Magnolia had.
Can’t sleep? White noise machine. New swaddle blankets. Sleep schedule plan A. Sleep schedule plan B. Sleep Schedule Plan C.
Fussy? Gripe water. Change in my diet. Baby yoga. Baby swim class. Teething toys. Walks in the Ergo. Walks in the Moby. Walks in the stroller. Walks in my arms.
Not crawling? Baby Gymboree. Leg exercises. Book after book on baby development. Tummy time. Tummy time. Tummy time.
And in the end, it turned out that what she needed was just loving attention and time. If I’ve learned one thing about being in community, it’s that sometimes there is an engineering fix. But far more often than not, the only thing that we can do when someone is suffering is give them loving attention and time. That can look like little notes, daily phone calls, or even just a trinket dropped off on their doorstep. Because I can’t fix most problems any more than I could get my 9 month old to crawl. All I can do is make sure that my friends know they are never, never forgotten in their pain.
How can you show up for someone today?
