Day 22: The Practice of Kind Questions

Forrest and I have been stuck in the same house together for almost four months now. There are moments where, no matter how well I know him, I have no idea why he is doing something. Why are you loading the dishwasher so loudly while I am clearly trying to relax? Why are you saying that you’re coming to bed in a minute and then not? Why are you existing in this space when I clearly just want to be alone?!?

Now, obviously, quarantine is getting to us all a little bit, but that’s all the more reason to engage in what I call The Practice of Kind Questions. I am sure that someone, somewhere has written a book on this but I learned it from a few friends of mine who always seem to react to someone’s inexplicable decisions with curiosity. When it’s happening, it really is a sight to behold.

We all know people who seemingly make one weird decision after another and every single time, I’m left shaking my head and usually thinking they’re either dumb, selfish, or oblivious to the people around them. If I ask questions, they’re usually like the ones I listed above – definitely not kind. But when practicing kind questions, that curiosity opens my mind to the possibility that those choices might make sense, in a way I just haven’t seen yet.

Questions like, “What will that mean for you?” or, “How did you get to this choice?” when said with real interest help open up a conversation. Maybe there’s more going on than we know. Maybe they meant it to be helpful but misread the situation. Maybe they’re moving towards some goal we haven’t heard about. Maybe, in Forrest’s case, he’s trying to do the dishes so I don’t have to, he’s trying to get caught up on the work he’s been missing, and finally, he misses hanging out with me.

My judgment is going to get us into a fight, but kind questions will help unlock the pieces that I just haven’t thought of. In community, when our relationships are even less close, there’s no substitute for genuine curiosity in the face of difference. It’s the only way to learn what makes each other tick.

How can you use kind questions today? How has curiosity defused tense situations before?