Day 16: Build Safe Places

There’s a cycle in our house. Some kid seems to be off the walls, pushing past boundaries and generally making life unpleasant in every possible way. We all try everything – asking if they’re ok, fun distracting activities, punishments, and alone time, until finally, finally something unlocks and whatever it is that’s been bothering them comes out. It is an exhausting routine, but with time and experience, we’re all getting better at saying things like, “When you get like this, there’s usually something bigger going on. When you figure out what that is, let me know. Until then, you need to knock it off.” This works about 10% of the time.

I’m not sure why this keeps happening but I think it might have to do with them testing and making sure that really, truly, we are safe people before they share their deep feelings with us. While it still drives me nuts, I understand. Vulnerability can be dangerous and I think we all instinctively know that we need to be wise about who we open up to.

This isn’t because people are mean, or intentionally hurtful. It’s just that not everyone is able to meet vulnerability with empathy. Or maybe they can in some situations, but others mean something different to them than they do to you, and their reactions can be shaming. In community, the goal is to allow people to be their true selves, but that doesn’t mean sharing all the deeply felt pains at every moment.

It’s important to know, what makes you feel safe enough to be vulnerable? Who makes you feel heard and seen and appreciated? What or who helps you when you’re feeling exposed, embarrassed or ashamed? How can you extend that to the people in your life? Yes, it will differ from person to person, but knowing what helps you is a good place to start.

How can you begin to create places where vulnerability can thrive?