Rest and Revolution

We’re in between trips at the moment, coming off of an amazing and exhausting week with family and getting ready for an amazing and exhausting international trip. I’ve spent the last year operating at probably 60% of my usual capacity but I’m me, so that means that slowly but surely, I’ve been checking the boxes and making plans. I’ve had to find a new way of being this year. One that thinks far ahead but also finally accepts that not every contingency can be planned for; not every eventuality can be foreseen.

Last year around this time, I mentioned to my therapist that even when I was sitting still, my mind was racing. I could be sitting on the beach on a sunny day and still, my brain was figuring out what we’d have for dinner, what I had forgotten, what I needed to do next week or next month or next year.

“You’re leaking energy, Serenity,” she said. “No wonder you’re so tired.”

“What are you talking about?”

“You’re never really resting. Even when it seems like you’re resting, you’re figuring out the next thing on your to-do list."

She was right. I was so in the weeds of life that I truly couldn’t be still. I couldn’t relax.

I’ve spent a year learning how to do just that. To stop thinking of what problems I needed to anticipate and instead work on only the problems in front of me. Because yes, if I think about the whole three weeks of travel with all the trains, planes and automobiles, I’m going to be an anxious insomniac. But if instead, I ask myself, what’s next? Well, then that’s just one thing. And sometimes what’s next is snuggling the dog or eating a bowl of ice cream or reading a book I love.

I wish I could say that I’m as productive as I was back when I was exhausted. I’m not. And a fair number of people have let me know that the efforts of my life have been found wanting. It’s amazing what people will say right to your face. But you know who’s not saying it?

The four people who matter most. Forrest and the girls have been overjoyed. Because back when I was constantly volunteering, writing, planning and stressing, I was in fact not very much fun to hang out with. You might even say that I was a bit of a bear. And now that I spend my days learning to live with the unexpected, I spend less time worrying about what could be and more time enjoying what is.

A lot of people act like that’s easy. To just be in the moment. But the reality is that a lot of the moments in my life kind of suck. I have three adolescent daughters. Enjoying what is involves a lot of reminding myself that no, I am not the worst mom ever and yes, I can be more patient that any human should have to be. It takes work to stay present - to not give in to worries for the future, to not lament the passage of time. To really believe that the best place to be is where I am.

If all that sounds woo-woo, you don’t have to tell me. I agree. It’s weird and it’s woo woo and it’s new agey and it’s also true. Capitol “T” true. The anxiety-ridden hustle culture will burn the heart out of us if we let it. It’ll bleed us dry and charge us for the privilege. That’s not to say we don’t have to work - I mean, dinner still has to get on the table, right? But this is different. This is letting go of the fear that if we don’t stay on top of our whole future all at once, we will lose everything we have worked for.

That’s the lie. That if we relent and relax, even for a moment, that everything we have built will fall down. That we will become worthless and useless and all those horrible words people use to tear down another person. Rest is revolutionary, if only because it’s so rare.

So today, after I finish writing this, what’s next is a cup of tea and a chapter or two of a long-loved book. And if I’ve forgotten something for my trip? That’s ok. That’ll be some other moment’s “What’s next?”