Reading and Rules

The other day my phone pinged me with one of those “This Day 10 Years Ago” things. Of course. I clicked because ten years ago I had the most adorable kids and also absolutely no sleep, so every video that comes up is pretty much new to me. I once read that short term memory turns to long term memory during deep sleep and since I didn’t get a whole lot of that when my kids were four and two, it checks out that I don’t remember a whole lot.

This one in particular was of my eldest daughter reading to me. She was an early reader since she has always loved books but the arrival of her sisters meant that us grownups were often too busy to read out loud during those chaotic, messy days. So she just convinced us to teach her how and she hasn’t gone a day without a book pretty much since.

As soon as I finished the video, I thought about how that little early reader book was probably one of the first ones she read on her own, and how many, many more books she has read since then, and how many, many more she’ll read. It’s funny, this parenting thing. If it all goes well, you (and your help) is the most important thing in the world just up until they learn how to do the thing, and then, poof! You’re redundant, maybe even a hindrance.

When the twins learned to ride bikes, there were, well, two of them, so it was a two parent job. Again, they needed help just up until the moment they figured it out, and from then on, Forrest and I were, at best, in the way. At worst, I was an obstacle, me and my rules about not riding full speed towards a major road.

I’ve been doing a lot of thinking about the scaffolding that we put up for ourselves. Rules we make when we’re young, to help us organize the overwhelming transition to becoming adults. Things like: “The Dishes Get Done Right After Dinner”. Or “We Spend Christmas Eve At Nana’s House.” Or “Bills Get Paid The Day They Arrive.”

These are important. There are so many choices that we could make and so many choices we could make wrong. And then as we get older, we add more and more. No Coffee After Four. Thursday Nights Are Leftover Nights. Take A Walk After Breakfast Every Day. The Milk Goes On The Top Shelf Of The Fridge.

And none of those are bad rules. To be honest, I like the way things are managed around here. But there’s nothing like a teenager to remind you that the rule you think of a supportive is also a type of restriction. It’s natural, of course. They’ve got to figure out where their rules are. Which ones they want to keep and which ones they want to change. But even in the most peaceful household that process is messy.

One of my rules is "Everyone Settled Down By Eleven P.M.” I didn’t even know I had that one, but once the fourteen year old started staying up until midnight, it was made very clear to me. I should have remembered, as a former teenager myself, that there’s something a bit magical about midnight in a quiet house, when you can eat what you like, watch what you like and just stretch out and enjoy having the place to yourself. She’s certainly realized it. And it wasn’t until the other day when I finally said, “Shouldn’t you be getting to bed?” that I realized that just like reading and bike riding, I was there the first time she fell asleep (and for a lot of nights after) but that she doesn’t need my input on her sleep schedule anymore.

And she’s right. There’s no problem, no bleary eyes, no dropping grades, just a teenager doing what teenagers do. And isn’t that the point? To do the best we can and then let them live their lives? Wasn’t this was I wanted, back when bedtime routines were an hour long and full of tears and tantrums? If I were to go back tell myself that not only did I not need to enforce bedtime, but that any participation I had would be considered rude, I think younger Serenity would pop some champagne and go take a nap.

So, I suppose instead of the storm and stress, maybe I should take a page out of their book. Which rules do I want to stick to, and which ones are sort of maybe kind of holding me back? If I have to deal with the snarkiness of the teenage household, I guess I might as well use it to my advantage, after all. And if I don’t figure it out all at once, not to worry, the twins are only twelve and they will definitely let me know which rules are less than necessary.

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